Worst Television Ideas Ever!
As I ragged on the network’s fall schedules last week I may have given the impression that I thought they were bad ideas. Certainly not. Not if you’re grading on the curve, anyway. The shows listed below are, as far as I have seen, much much worse and they all aired. For every one of these shows there was a handful of network execs willing to put money behind it.
I am indebted to The Complete Directory To Prime-Time Network TV Shows 1946-Present by Tim Brooks and Earle Marsh (©1992 Random House) for providing the dates and titles for these shows. Recommended reading. If you want someone else to find the bad television for you, try BAD TV (©1995 Delta Trade Paperbacks)
A YEAR AT THE TOP
NBC, 8/5/77-9/4/77
Two rock musicians (Greg Evigan and Paul Schaffer) are offered fame and success in exchange for their immortal souls. The show only lasted five episodes, and they never decided whether to do it or not. But come on, look at that casting: could any musicians have less soul?
WHAT’S YOUR BID
ABC, DUMONT 2/14/53-7/5/53
In this game show, contestants bid their own real money for items like refrigerators, fur coats, cars and so on.
THE AMAZING WORLD OF KRESKIN
Syndicated, 1971-1975
Kreskin, the mind reader, roamed around the studio audience and told people what they had for breakfast, their social security numbers, where they spent their vacation. Celebrity guests included Meadowlark Lemon and William Shatner.
THE BOOK OF LISTS
CBS 5/4/82-5/25/82
Bill Bixby hosted this variety show based on the popular non fiction best seller, a compendium of interesting lists such as: 20 Unexplained Weather Phenomena, or Left-Handed Presidents.. It was an hour long.
DO’S AND DON’TS
ABC 7/3/52-8/28/52
Films about safety.
THE FLYING NUN
ABC 9/7/67-9/18/70
Sally Field played Sister Bertrille, a nun of little body weight whose cornette was so large that when the wind picked up she was lifted like a kite from the ground. Soon she learned to navigate by tilting her head and could fly all over the island of Puerto Rico.
COP ROCK
ABC 9/26/91-12/26/90
HILL STREET BLUES creator Steven Bocchco created this series, a police drama with music. And not just music, but BIG production numbers. When they weren’t singing, the series was a lot like HILL STREET BLUES; when they were, it was like SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS.
FROSTY FROLICS
ABC 9/19/51-10/10/51
An hour long series of musical variety shows on ice, including the Ice Capades and Ice Follies.
OUR NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH
ABC 6/15/52-8/29/52
A series of films about Canada, produced by the Canadian government.
PUTTIN’ ON THE HITS
Syndicated, 85-88
Contestants on this game show would perform elaborate lip sync numbers to popular songs. They were scored on three categories: originality, lip-sync and performance. Produced by Dick Clark.
SMALL AND FRYE
CBS 3/7/83-6/15/83
The exploits of Nick Small (Darren McGavin) a seedy detective, and Chip Frye (Jack Blessing) his partner who could shrink to six inches due to a freak lab accident.
LUCKY PUP
CBS 8/23/48-6/23/51
The all-puppet adventures of Lucky Pup, a little dog who inherited 5 million dollars from a circus queen. An evil magician named Foodini and his henchman Pinhead continually tried to trick the dog into giving up the money. The two evil characters became so popular that “Lucky” Pup was gradually phased out of the show.
YOU’RE IN THE PICTURE
CBS 1/20/61-1/20/61
Celebrity guests put their heads through a cutout, like the kind found in amusement park photography booths, so they couldn’t see what body they were put on. By asking questions of host Jackie Gleason, they would try to guess what picture they were in. Note the start and end dates - Gleason spent the next episode sitting on a stool and apologizing for the first episode. The rest of the series run was a simple talk-show format.
Only one other network show ever had a shorter run - TURN ON (ABC 2/5/69) was yanked in some markets before the first show was finished airing due to viewer protests.
MY MOTHER THE CAR
NBC 9/14/65-9/6/66
Like KNIGHT RIDER but not as smart: Jerry Van Dyke (Dick’s brother) played Dave Crabtree, a lawyer whose 1928 Porter automobile was inhabited by the spirit of his late mother (voice of Ann Southern.) He was the only one who knew she was in there. Thus, the dominant themes of the show were Oedipal longing and psychosis. I had left this listing out of the page as e-mail bait, but even I play requests.
SUPERTRAIN
NBC 2/7/79-7/28/79
A real big train, appointed like a luxury ocean liner, was the setting for “one of the most expensive failures in the history of network television.” Viewers who were already watching LOVE BOAT failed to notice the massive engine as it pulled NBC to ruin, and the show was canceled after six months.
Think you’ve seen worse? I’m open to suggestion.