I love bad movies. Don’t get me wrong; I love good ones too, It’s all that crap in the middle that I can’t stand.

But get any group of bad movie fans together and inevitably you’re going to get the contest: what’s the worst movie ever made? Some say it’s RHINESTONE, a musical starrring Sylvester Stallone, an actor who can’t sing. Others say it’s GLITTER, a musical starring Mariah Carrey, a singer who can’t act. You might consider it to be PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE or ROBOT MONSTER, they cheapest, schlockiest and most inept of the fifties-era atomic nightmare fantasies. Perhaps you’re more inclined toward BATTLEFIELD EARTH or ISHTAR. I can guarantee you, none of these are the worst movie ever made.

Because those movies are watchable. At least those movies were good enough to bamboozle someone into distributing them. You’ll never see the worst movie ever made. I’ll tell you what though, once a year you can at least see the capsule descriptions.

Every November in Santa Monica, they hold the American Film Market, a chance for international film producers to find distributors. Any given year, you can look through the catalog and find ten candidates for the worst film ever made. Here are some selections from last November.

(A word of warning: I’ve done this on my blogs before and found out in later years that some of my choices were pretty good movies that just didn’t synopsize well. So, you know, I could be wildly wrong to include a film here. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say I hope I’m wrong about all of them. If you produced one of these, send me a copy and I promise I’ll say a few words about it.)

From Denmark: I’M THE ANGEL OF DEATH. Alternate Title: PUSHER 3. Description: After many years of heroin abuse, Milo discovers that his position as gangster no. 1 in Copenhagen is threatened by the younger, ambitious generation of Arabs.

From Japan: BLIND BEAST VS KILLER DWARF. Alternate Title: Moju VS Issunboshi. Genre: Mystery, PsychoDrama, Erotic. Description: Erotic, grotesque and the weirdest crime that you have ever seen.

From VietNam: JACK-FRUIT THORN KISS. Alternate Title: 1735 KM. Description: ‘Jack-Fruit Thorn Kiss’ is an enchanting romantic comedy, based in present day Vietnam, about two young travelers who are in love but don’t know it yet.

From the US: ROOM MATE WANTED. Description: In the tradition of “Sex in the City” and “Beverly Hills 90210″ comes an intriguing story of five young women sharing a house in Beverly Hills. Their lives intertwine and connect through a series of sexual encounters. Special factor: Cost less than 1 million to make!

From the US, maybe: RAZORTOOTH II. Description: When a weapon lab’s genetic engineering takes the “Razorteeth” to a whole new level, it’s up to one tough operative and his gorgeous competitor to save the world from the impending slaughter.

From Japan: YAP! BUN-BUN. Description: Abandoned in a wooden box, Bun-Bun is an innocent new born puppy. Picked up by a stray dog called Uncle Tyke, Bun-Bun is taught how to look for food, heal sickness, fight off other stray dogs and, in general, how to live on the edge of society. In return, Uncle Tyke is healed by Bun-Bun’s cheerful attitude to life.

From the US: BARE NAKED SURVIVOR. Description: Yes, a parody of the famous show that includes a group of six lovely contestants attempting to outwit each other in a game of sexy competitions. The women form and break alliances while pursuing their quest for money and fame in the hot tropical weather during a series of adventures. A fun adventure with former Penthouse Pets and Playmates romping in the sun and surf! A parody of Survivor with inside jokes for Survivor fans plus plenty of hilarious teenage humor for everyone else.

From Japan: THE BRUTAL HOPELESSNESS OF LOVE: No description.

From the US: CURSE OF PIRATE DEATH. Description: Unaware of the terrifying and tortuous nature of Pirate Death, a group of college students researching their ‘pirate’ heritage decide to locate the hidden treasure of Pirate Death. Will anyone survive the Curse of Pirate Death? Mitigating factors: features Ron Jeremy!

And finally, from Japan: THE FOREIGN DUCK, THE NATIVE DUCK AND GOD IN A COIN LOCKER. Description: His name is SHIINA, a 19-years-old freshman of a university. On the first day of his single life at his apartment, he meets a tall and strange neighbor, KAWASAKI. He tells SHIINA of the days he shared together with two others SHIINA’s other neighbor and a student from Bhutan called DORJI, and his girlfriend, KOTOMI, who was also KAWASAKI’s ex. As well, he tells SHIINA not to trust the pet shop owner, the beautiful REIKO, for some reason. KAWASAKI asks SHIINA to join him in robbing a book shop only to steal a bulky dictionary. Why on earth would he want to do that? Nevertheless, SHIINA gets sucked into his high-handed and unusual plan. The mysterious 6 days SHIINA shares with KAWASAKI. What is the funny but wistful truth behind the robbery he finds in the end?

What indeed, what indeed.

- daniel k.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 4th, 2008 at 2:15 pm and is filed under General, Motion Pictures. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.